Rising Health Insurance Premiums Delay San Onofre Double Mastectomy

Atomic tits. Nuclear boobies. Whatever you call them, you’re likely familiar with the massive radioactive rack that graces North County at San Onofre. The perky domes are some of the final standing structures from what was once more than 2000 megawatts of power generation. But in 2012, defects discovered in one of the units led to a shutdown. After surgeons found the malignant anomaly to be inoperable, the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station (SONGS) was shut down and the process of decommissioning began.

The voluptuous domes were on track to be demolished by the end of 2027, according to SONGS manager Ron Pontes. But the skyrocketing cost of Affordable Care Act (ACA) insurance has led to another delay.

“When the President and Congress failed to extend financial help for ACA enrollees, 5 million Americans could no longer afford health insurance,” continued Pontes, “and these beautiful bulbous breasts are just another victim.”

Indeed, the double mastectomy over a decade in the making has been postponed as it has become prohibitively expensive.

Some locals are okay with the delay. Paul Lee is a supercommuter, living in Carlsbad and working in Irvine. “When the crest of those concrete cantaloupes peeks over the horizon,” recalled Lee with a glimmer in his eyes, “I know exactly where I am. I don’t know what I’ll do without the luscious landmark. I’ll probably get hella lost on the 5!”

The staff of SONGS have launched a GoFundMe campaign in an attempt to crowdfund the procedure and expedite the decommissioning of the power plant.